I have gone through long periods in my life of feeling lost. Intensely lost. Like I'm down the rabbit hole and can't find my way out.
I have been a perpetual seeker, a workaholic, a failure (twice) and a damsel in distress (mostly with myself).
I have cried the ugly cry. The ugly cry is the most beautiful, because something real and deep is finally being acknowledged, and something new is about to be born.
I have been deeply betrayed.
I have surrendered, and felt the rush of relief that brings. (This happens right after the ugly cry.)
For a time, I tried being a follower and a copycat, but there is no creativity in that.
I have been a reluctant leader. I am intensely afraid of the potential power that leadership brings. I've seen so many people misuse it for their own gain. Especially people who lead lost people and vulnerable people. Especially them.
I have been brilliant for a moment here and there.
I have asked the divine why I was chosen and asked if maybe I could be unchosen, if that would be okay. (I got a firm no on that.)
I have chased my tail so long you would think at some point, I would get dizzy and have to stop. Nope. You can do that spin forever if you want.
I have gone through the motions until I couldn't go through the motions another day.
I have lied to myself and broken promises to myself that left parts of me with deep wounds.
I have let people down.
I have tricked myself into thinking I was broken inside.
I have been unconditionally supported by highly successful people, who never judged and always encouraged me.
I have let myself be intensely, deeply vulnerable with the wrong people, and regretted it. But I learned something important about power shifts.
I have healed myself, more quickly than I would have thought possible.
And what I realized after all of the seeking, and reluctance, and begging God to send me someone to help me find my way was that everything I needed was already within me. To show me this, God brought me someone, who lovingly listened as I cried the ugly cry. Who understood how to lead a creative person who is a reluctant leader. Who didn't let me get slippery (that's how smart people outsmart smart coaches). Who reminded me over and over that the answers were within me or I could get them if I just asked (myself, or God). (For the record, that person was Cari Vollmer.)
And this all reminds me that really good leaders never tell you they know best. This is especially true of spiritual leaders and people helping you grow and change and get somewhere. They always put the question back on you to figure out. They offer insight, concepts, reminders, suggestions and guidance.
But in the end, a really good leader is someone who shows you how to lead yourself.
Beth A. Grant is a one-woman creative powerhouse, spiritual mentor, copywriter and marketing strategist based in Chicago. The creator of numerous personal growth and marketing tools, she helps clients align with their truth to bring their purpose into the world in a big way, with ease and joy. Explore further at http://www.truthandconsciousness.com.
I'd love to hear your comments below. Or, email them to me directly at beth (at) cashalignment (dot) com. Use the subject line "Leading Myself" I read every single one!